Some Kind of Goodbye
by Regina Halliwell
Summary: Fix it fic for "The Incredible Sinking Lorelais" in which Jess finds Rory in the midst of her breakdown. Cross-posted to AO3.
1. Some Kind of Goodbye

Rory ran back inside from her car—Stars Hollow was no haven for her tonight, and Lorelai was nowhere to be found. She paused outside her suite door, hearing Paris's dominant voice intermingling with Tanna's quiet one. Sighing, her refuge not so welcoming now, Rory turned back around and headed to her car. The car her grandparents had given her. The thought only made her more upset—it was her failure to live up to her grandparents' expectations that had put her in this position.

Where could she go, where could she go? Rory wanted to get away from Yale, distance herself physically from the source of her anxiety. She had never failed like this before. Never been in this position where she felt helpless. She was trying, really trying. Thought she could do it all.

Rory got in and started driving around, looking for a place, any place that could serve as her escape from the world. Just for a bit, she needed time away.

She wandered aimlessly, getting further from her usual haunts as she went. She wanted to go somewhere that students wouldn't be. Then again, on this Friday night, there were a lot of places students wouldn't be.

Pulling up to a bookstore/coffeeshop she had often seen but not yet visited, Rory parked her car, deciding this place was as good as any, and went inside. She ordered a coffee and then found a quiet corner seat to sit down in. Books lined the walls, old books, new books, used books, all kinds of books. This place was comforting, safe. She could disappear into a book if she needed to be somewhere—someone—else.

Rory pulled a hardcover from the shelf, an old copy of _The Catcher in the Rye_. She looked it over, considering it. For some reason the teenage rebellion seemed enthralling at the moment. Not to mention her unfortunate recent interactions with her very own Holden Caulfield. Making the decision to indulge in angst, maybe to wallow a little bit, Rory sat with the book in her chosen armchair.

Sipping her coffee, Rory read Salinger as she had never read him before. She always responded to challenges by meeting them. She was successful, in control Rory. She never failed. She didn't need to rebel, she wasn't cynical. Her life had always been something she could handle.

Not anymore.

No, now she wasn't good enough. She wasn't able to handle something she should have been able to handle. Her life, for the first time, wasn't turning out to be something she had control over.

Well, not the first time.

Rory didn't let her mind stray, refocusing on the novel. She sipped her coffee, which was dark and strong, though not as strong as Lorelai made it.

Time went on, as Rory continued reading. The bell on the door rang as someone came in—on this Friday night the place was mostly empty, but a few had come and gone while she read. This time, however, it was the last possible person Rory expected to walk in.

His leather jacket zipped up, hair wet from the rain outside, Jess looked exactly the same. The boy who had chased her around the entire town square before professing his love for her had just walked in the door of her new favorite bookstore. In New Haven.

His head was down, he was focused on walking up to the counter. She was sitting in the corner, hidden away a little, and he clearly hadn't seen her. He ordered a coffee and paid for it with some change and a crumpled bill pulled out of his pocket. As he waited for them to fill his cup, he turned away from the counter, fingers running through his hair to shake out the rain. His gaze fell on Rory, looking up at him in astonishment, and he froze, hand still in his hair.

Neither one of them moved for several moments, and then he seemed to break out of the trance. Jess turned to run out the door, his coffee forgotten on the counter behind him.

"Jess, wait!" Rory found herself calling out to him, getting up out of her chair to follow him out the door.

He waited just outside, under the awning of the coffee shop. Rory stopped short, nearly running into him as she saw him in front of her.

"Waiting," he said, looking at her like an animal ready to flee.

"I have something to say to you." She looked away, trying to gather her thoughts, also glad to not have to look him in the eyes.

"I'm listening."

"Several somethings, actually," she prefaced, dissembling. "You told me you loved me."

"Love you, present tense," he corrected.

She paused, looking at him. "Right. So you told me you love me, and at first I was shocked, then angry, then confused."

"And now?" he questioned.

"Now…" she began, "Now I think I finally understand why you left."

"Yeah," he said equivocally.

"Things at Yale aren't great—aren't what I thought. I can't handle the pressure. I can't take as many classes as I should be able to, I think like a high school student, I'm failing a class!"

"I'm sure things aren't that bad."

"They are to me. The point is, I think I get how you felt. When you were failing out of school, when you were trying to work and be in school and be with me. I finally understand why you left."

"Huh."

"Still as reticent as ever, I see."

"I guess."

"Okay, now you're doing that on purpose."

Beneath his cool exterior, Rory thought she spied a smile.

"And there's one more thing," Rory added.

"Oh, yeah?" 

"Yeah." She paused, preparing herself, taking a breath. "I love you too."

He didn't speak, causing an extremely uncomfortable silence.

"So, yeah. I said it. I love you. Oh, wow. Now I'm saying it again. Now I'm babbling because you're not saying anything and I don't know what to do. I'm—" Rory rambled on, trying to fill the silence, until Jess closed the space between them to do the only thing that could effectively stop Rory's rant.

All of a sudden, it didn't matter than they had spent so much time apart; they kissed as though no time had passed at all. Her hand fell to the back of his neck while his slipped around her waist. It felt as comfortable as it ever had.

When the kiss stopped, Jess leaned his forehead against Rory's, his eyes closed as though he thought if he opened them Rory would disappear.

Rory shifted slightly to wrap both her arms around his neck, pulling him into a close hug. Jess accepted the embrace, letting out the breath he was holding in.

"So what now?" she asked, after a moment. Before he could speak, she started again. "No, wait, don't say anything. Don't ruin this."

"Who said I was gonna ruin it?" Jess asked, smiling, the implication clear.

"Right. How about we go back inside, out of the rain, and talk about this like normal people?"

"Who said you could be normal?"

"Ha ha, very funny. Come on," she said, grabbing his hand as though nothing in the world had changed since they were together, and pulled him back inside.

She sat back in her chair, picking up the long forgotten book she had left on the seat. Jess turned around, not sure what to do, then picked up the coffee he had run out on, looking at it in his hands while Rory situated herself.

"Come on, sit down, I won't bite," Rory invited, trying to dissolve the tension.

"Okay," he said unnecessarily as he sat down in the armchair next to hers. "So, now what?" he asked, mirroring her rescinded question.

"I don't really know. I mean, I just said it. I said what I felt and I didn't know how you would respond but I said it anyway."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Rory looked at him and smiled, thinking back to that horrible and wonderful night. She felt so lost then, and she felt lost today, but right now, she just felt happy. She had butterflies in her stomach again—she didn't think Jess would give her butterflies again. Not after the agony he put her through. Yet here she was.

There was a short silence again, and Rory played with the book in her hands.

"Salinger, huh?"

Rory looked down and then around. "Yeah, I just pulled it off the shelf."

He nodded.

"I think I get it more now than I did when I first read it. Teenage angst and all that."

He smirked and said, "I wouldn't know."

That garnered a smile from Rory, which made Jess smile more genuinely.

"So."

"Yeah."

"So, what's going on with Yale? You said something about failing a class? That doesn't sound like the Rory Gilmore I know."

"I haven't failed it yet. But I'm failing. I failed a paper. And my professor told me to drop the class but if I do then I'd only be taking four classes and Gilmores don't take four classes, they take five."

She took a breath to continue, but Jess reached over and took one of her hands in his, _Catcher in the Rye_ forgotten in her lap.

"Rory," he said quietly, "You didn't fail out. This isn't like me, okay? You still have plenty of time to fix this before you have to flee across the country."

She nodded. "I just feel so…helpless. Like everything is out of my control."

Jess stroked her hand, trying to console her. "You're Rory Gilmore. You will figure this out. You always believed in me, so let me do the same."

She bowed her head, embarrassed. "I probably overreacted."

He nodded. "Probably, but that's okay. You Gilmores redefine the word histrionic."

"We do that, yes." She paused. "What have you been up to? Since you—"

"Confessed my undying love for you in the street that one time? Not much. I was in California with Jimmy for a while, then I decided I couldn't mooch off him and his girlfriend for much longer. It was nice, though. I got to see where I got the screwed up parts of me that aren't from Liz, and I got along okay with Sasha—his girlfriend's—kid. After that, I was in New York, stayed with some buddies, and then I heard from Liz about my car. And well, you know the rest."

"Well, I think that might have been the most words you've said at one time."

"Could be."

"Aaand we're back to monosyllabic boy."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know—I—I want you to tell me you've figured out a way to make this work. Tell me it's all going to be okay."

He sighed. "Rory, I want it to all be okay. I want to be that guy for you that makes everything better. I just don't know how."

"Things were so good… before. They could be good again, couldn't they?"

His hand stilled, and his eyes met hers. "It's worth a try."

"Yeah," she agreed. "It is."


	2. That's The Worst Thing I Could Do

"So, what now?"

"Now we ride off into the sunset, living our happily ever after, of course."

"Ah, what was I thinking?" Rory smiled and twined her fingers lazily through Jess's.

"But in the off chance that we aren't in a fairy tale? I was gonna go with you coming home with me." She gave him a look, immediately regretting the surprise that crossed her face. "Or not," he said. "I'll drop you at your dorm."

"No," Rory agreed, "Let's go to your place. I came here because I didn't want to be in my normal places at Yale, so going back to my dorm isn't exactly ideal. Paris is home and there was a thing with my roommates and it's just really not what I need right now."

"Which is?"

"Some quiet. Someone who believes in me. Maybe some snacks."

"I think we can manage that."

"So, your place? Where exactly is that? How did the elusive Jess Mariano find himself in New Haven? My town. Hey, were you stalking me?" One look at his face told her everything. "That should be creepy."

"But it's not, right? It's on the Ryan Gosling side of the stalker spectrum. I just wanted to see if you were happy. How much I screwed things up."

"And?"

"You seem okay. Perhaps I should be insulted."

Rory smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear. "I was pining, believe me. I just hide it really well."

"Well, in that case…" Jess leaned in to kiss her, lingering once the short kiss had finished to look at her closely. "I'm having trouble believing this is actually happening. Maybe we could do that one more time, just to be sure." She smiled and obliged, running her fingers through his hair.

When they separated, Jess looked to the book she had been reading. "Maybe you could leave Salinger for the night, if you're reading to go?"

"I think I can manage. It's not like I'll be bereft of a rebellious teen without him."

"Ha ha. I'm not quite so rebellious anymore."

"I don't know. The leather jacket says a lot…." Rory smiled, fingering the hanging buckle at the bottom of said jacket. Jess shivered, her hand brushing against where the buckle hit the top of his thigh (accidentally?). She drew a breath in sharply, both of them feeling the sexual tension.

"Back to my place now?" he asked, breathless.

She nodded in response, leaning in as he reached a leather-clad arm around her shoulders, and Rory let out a breath of relief.

"Here's some sweats if you want to be more comfortable," he said, grabbing a pair along with a tee shirt off the couch as he moved into the apartment. It was small and not well-furnished, but not as messy as she expected it would be. He turned on a light and then went to the fridge to grab a beer.

"You want one?" he asked, not thinking she would say yes.

"I'm going to change first," Rory qualified, "But sure, that sounds good."

"Rory Gilmore, accepting an alcoholic beverage," he said in shock, "Never thought I'd see the day."

"I guess we've both grown up," she said, moving into the bathroom to change, leaving the door open just a crack.

While she did that, Jess took a long pull from his own beer and then cleaned the kitchen up a bit, grabbing a bag of chips from the pantry and setting them on the coffee table along with their beers.

He flipped through some channels trying to fin something that neither of them would find abhorrent. As the bathroom door creaked open, Rory walked out looking cozy in his sweats. She smiled, then glanced at what was on the screen as he flipped channels.

"Grease!" she exclaimed, and he groaned.

"Aw, come on Rory, you can't be serious." He looked at her beseechingly. She smiled, and he gave in. "Fine. But we're not doing a sing-along."

"Don't worry, I promise to let you mock as much as you want."

"That's the only way to get through this thing. I'm surprised you like it."

"I'm surprised you don't. You don't see the resemblance, Zuko?"

"Please. My hair is way better than his."

"Same jacket, though."

He turned to gasp at her and saw her smiling back at him, then gave up on his protestations. "Okay, Grease it is." They leaned back and she ducked her head into his chest.

A few minutes in, while one of the musical numbers was playing, Rory restrained herself from singing along, instead choosing to look up at Jess. When he didn't think she was looking, he watched with rapt attention, but as soon as he caught her eye, he turned away to take a sip of his beer, then said, "You know, come to think of it, you and Sandra Dee do have a few things in common."

He expected a glare, and she didn't disappoint. She held her beer in hand, pointed at it, and said jokingly, "I don't know. The word 'ass' came out of my mouth last week, and as far as I know, this drink in my hand contains alcohol. So I'm pretty sure we're not exactly the same. I mean, take a look at my grades and the similarities end there…" she murmured, not quite kidding but not really upset.

"Whoa, Rory, you're so bad," he teased. She was still so much more innocent than he was, even as worldly as she was becoming.

She blushed and shoved him slightly. It was almost like old times, but he was more vulnerable and she more imperfect.

"So what can I do to take your mind off of your complete failure?" he asked, joking.

She laughed and responded, "Try saying that again without the suggestiveness."

"Why Rory, I don't know what you're talking about. I only meant…"

"I know what you meant, and it isn't going to work, mister."

"It's not?" he asked, leaning in to kiss her.

Her reply was lost as she returned his kiss, wrapping her hand around the back of his neck to finger his slightly greasy hair that she loved so much. His hand fell to her waist, pulling them closer together—albeit still mostly vertical—on the couch.

She felt her breath catch as his mouth found that spot behind her ear that he remembered made her tremble. She found herself becoming weightless in his arms, as his kisses and touches made her forget her worries.

Jess could barely believe this was happening—after his crazy confession of love the other day, he had half-expected to never see Rory Gilmore again, or at least to never be in such a position again, but here he was, making out with the one girl he had ever loved even after he screwed things up so badly.

When Rory leaned back onto the couch and pulled him slightly on top of her, Jess became concerned. "Whoa, Rory, I'm not trying…that's not why I brought you here."

"I know that. And I'm not saying I'm ready for…that. But I've really missed you." The look in her eyes when she said that made Jess swallow hard. Maybe this wasn't really the same Rory Gilmore he had dated before. She seemed to be more aware of herself, and of him, and the way her hands moved over his body suggested she wanted to go further than they had before.

"You know," she said, "right before you left, before things got all messed up,"—she took a breath—"I told my mom that you and I were close to having sex. She really wasn't happy about it, but I made it clear that you made me feel safe and loved and happy. When you left, I felt like a fool, because clearly I didn't make you feel the same way. But here you are, there for me when I need you." She didn't want to rehash the same arguments as before, but if they were going to move forward, things had to be clear.

Jess looked down, avoiding her gaze, partially out of shame for his abandonment, and partially out of surprise at her candor.

"I want to be there for you," he said, his voice cracking. "I want to be in your life."

"Can you let me be in yours, then?" she asked. "I want to believe that you won't run out again the first time things get hard."

"I'm trying, Rory. I really am. I'm still a mess, but I'm trying to be less screwed up."

"I don't care about that, I like messy Jess," she smiled at her rhyme, and continued, "I just want you to let me help you, I want you to trust me to not judge you or blame you or whatever."

He held her hand in one of his, stroking her palm with his fingers and thinking of what to say, how to assure her that he was in it for the long haul.

"I got my GED," he said. "I wasn't going to do another year of high school, but I'm not an idiot. I know I'm smart and unless I pander to the education system, nobody will ever care. I should have not freaked out and left, I should have thought to do that, and then I could have stayed with Luke, and been at your graduation, and not ruined everything. I mean, I still couldn't have taken you to your prom, but at least I wouldn't have abandoned you."

"Wow, you are talkative tonight," Rory noticed, lightening the mood.

Jess smirked, leaned in and kissed her. "The point is, I was a jerk, and it was more stupid than I'd like to think I actually am."

"I've always said how smart you are. I'm glad you finally believe it." Rory smiled and kissed him softly. "And I promise to trust you more, okay? You deserve more credit than anyone gives you."

"Well then in the interest of honesty, there's something you should know."

Rory perked up and looked at him questioningly. "It doesn't matter, whatever it is. I don't care, I don't need to know."

"Don't worry, it's nothing serious. You know when I showed up with a black eye at your grandmother's house for dinner? It wasn't a football, it wasn't Dean… it was a swan."

Rory started laughing. "See, this is why you should trust me more."

When she didn't stop laughing, Jess, made a face. "What? It's true!"

"Oh, I know it's true. Come on, Jess, I knew you were lying. I mean, football? Since when do you play football? You're hardly a jock. Also Luke told my mom, who told me. So, lying was really unnecessary."

He rolled his eyes. "Of course I forgot about the gossip train. Trust Luke with one secret…"

"Did you really expect him to not tell my mother, who would revel in knowing about your unfortunate mishap?"

Jess muttered something under his breath, but smiled. "So you're not mad?"

"No, I'm not mad. I wish you have told me, but I'm not mad. And the next time you get beaked by that evil swan, maybe you can trust me enough to help you exact your revenge, or at least deal with the black eye?"

"Please, I'm not going anywhere near that swan again."

"Not even to revisit our bridge?" she asked, both of them knowing the significance of that place. It was their place, always would be their place.

"I mean, I wasn't planning on going back to Stars Hollow any time soon, but I guess I could make an exception every once in a while," he said begrudgingly. "Although, my apartment here is a lot less than 22.8 miles from you, so there's that benefit."

Her eyes watered a little, sentimentality taking over. "You remembered."

He nodded. "Of course I did. If you want me to be a little farther away, I can find an apartment elsewhere or even ask Luke to let me move back in. But I'm also pretty happy being only a couple of miles from you, if that doesn't veer to the other end of the stalker spectrum."

"I think stalking only counts if I'm not dating you," she said.

"Yeah?" he said, his eyes saying everything he needed to.

Rory smiled. "Yeah."

They turned to the TV, where Sandy and Danny were driving off in the flying car at the end of _Grease_. "Huh," Rory said. "I forgot how weird the end of this movie is."

"Yeah, but it's not about that, you know. It's about compromising. They both have to be willing to be what the other needs."

"Oh, really? I had no idea," she teased. "Yeah, I guess you're right. It's cheesy, but kind of perfect."

The unspoken words hovered between them in the ensuing silence. Rory smiled and tilted her head, and Jess leaned in and kissed her.


End file.
